And now...
It's...
Monty python's flying circuses.
The adventures of biggles.
Part one:"biggles dictates a letter. "
Miss bladder, take a letter.
Yes, senor biggles.
Don't call me "senor"!
Or group captain biggles
Or mary biggles if I'm dressed as my wife
But never senor!
Sorry.
I've never even been to spain.
You went to ibiza last year.
That's still no grounds for calling me senor
Or "don beeg-les," for that matter.
Right. dear king haakon...
"of norway," is that?
Just put down what I say.
Do I put that down?
Course you don't put that down!
Well, what about that?
Look!
Don't put that down.
Just put down... wait a mo, wait a mo.
Now, when I've got these antlers on...
When I've got these antlers on
I am dictating
And when I take them off, I'm not dictating.
"I'm not dictating."
What?
Read that back.
"dear king haakon, I'm not dictating.
What?"
No, no, no, no, you loopy brothel inmate!
I've had enough of this.
I'm not a courtesan.
Oh, oh, courtesan-- oh, aren't we grand?
Harlot's not good enough for us, eh?
Paramour, concubine, fille de joie--
That's what we are not.
Well, listen to me, my fine fellow
You are a bit of tail
That's what you are.
I am not, you demented fictional character.
Algy says you are.
He says you're no better than you should be.
And how would he know?
And just what do you mean by that?
Are you calling
My old fictional comrade-in-arms a fairy?
Fairy! poof's not good enough for algy, is it?
He's got to be a bleedin' fairy.
Mincing old r.a.f. queen.
Algy, I have to see you.
Righto.
What ho, everyone.
Are you gay?
I should bally well say so, old fruit.
Ugh! dear king haakon...
Oh. dear king haakon
Just a line to thank you for the eels.
Mary thought they were really scrummy, comma
So did i, full stop.
I've just heard that algy was a poof, exclamation mark.
What would captain w.e. johns have said, question mark.
Sorry to mench, but if you've finished with the lawn edger
Could you pop it in the post?
Love, biggles, algy deceased, and ginger.
Ginger?
What?
Rhyming slang-- ginger beer.
Oh.
Ginger.
Hello, sweetie.
I have to see you.
Yes, biggles?
Are you a poof?
I should say not!
Thank god for that.
Good lad, stout fellow, salt of the earth, backbone of england.
Funny, he looks like a poof.
Dear princess margaret...
Hello.
Get back in the cupboard, you pantomimetic royal person!
Lemon curry?
Dear real princess margaret
Thank you for the eels, full stop.
They were absolutely delicious
And unmistakably regal, full stop.
Sorry to mench, but if you've finished with the hairdryer
Could you pop it in the post?
Yours fictionally, biggles.
Oh, p.s.-- see you at the saxe- coburgs' canasta evening.
That should puzzle her.
Si, senor beeg-les.
Silence, naughty lady of the night!
Next week, part two: "biggles flies undone. "
Ugh!
Meanwhile, not very far away...
Climbing-- the world's loneliest sport
Where hardship and philosophy go hand in glove.
And here, another british expedition attempting to be
The first man to successfully climb
The north face of the uxbridge road.
This four-man rope has been climbing tremendously.
Bbc cameras were there to film every inch.
The major assault on the uxbridge road has been going on
For about three weeks
Really ever since they established base camp
Here at the junction of willesden road.
From there they climbed steadily to establish camp two
Outside lewis's, and it's taken them another three days
To establish camp three here outside the post office.
Well, they've spent a good night in there last night
In preparation for the final assault today.
The leader of the expedition is 29-year-old bert tagg
A local headmaster and mother of three.
Bert, how's it going?
It's a bit gripping, is this, chris.
I've got to try and reach that bus stop
In an hour or so
And I'm doing it by... damn...
I'm doing it by layback up this gutter
So I'm kind of guttering
And laying back at the same time
And philosophizing.
Uh, bert, some people say this is crazy.
Aye, well, they said crippen was crazy, didn't they?
Well, crippen was crazy.
Oh, well, there you are, then.
Eh, john? I'm sending you down
This carabiner on white.
Lemon curry?
Now, you see, he's putting in a peg down there
Because I'm quite a way up now
And if I come unstuck here
I go down quite a long way.
Such quiet courage is typical
Of the way these brave chaps shrug off danger.
Like it or not, you've got to admire
The skill that goes into it.
Oh, it's terrible up on deck.
Up on deck?
Yeah, on deck it's diabolical weather.
Uh, what deck, dear?
The deck-- the deck of the lifeboat.
This isn't a lifeboat, dear.
This is 24 parker street.
This is the newhaven lifeboat.
No, it's not, dear.
You're right.
This isn't a lifeboat at all.
No, I wouldn't live here if it was.
Do you mind if I sit down for a minute and collect my wits?
No, you do that.
I'll make a nice cup of tea.
Thanks very much.
Ooh, it's a wild night up top.
Your turn on deck soon, charlie.
It's not a lifeboat, frank.
What?
What do you mean?
It's not a lifeboat ;
It's this lady's house.
Captain! captain, ahoy there!
Ahoy there!
Captain!
Who's that shouting?
There's a man outside number 24.
Try it on the five-inch, gladys.
I cant, I've got that fixed on the baileys at number 13.
Their new lodger moves in today.
All right, hold 13 on the five-inch
And transfer the cartwrights to the digital scanner.
Oh, okay.
Hold on! mrs. pettigrew's coming back from the doctor's.
Ooh, bring her up on two.
What's the duration rating on the oscillator?
48.47.
Well, that's a long time
For someone who's just had a routine checkup.
Yes, her pulse rate's 146.
Ooh, zoom in on the 16-mil and hold her, enid.
Roger, gladys.
I'll try and get her on the 12-inch.
Move the curtain, enid.
Thank you, love.
Yes, it's one of those self-righting models.
Newhaven was about the first place
In the country to get one.
What's the displacement
On one of them jobs, then?
Oh, about 140, 150...
Who's for fruit cake?
Oh, yes, please.
Yes? right, macaroons...
That's two dozen fruit cakes, half a dozen macaroons.
Won't be a jiffy, then.
Yoo-hoo! mrs. edwards!
Hello.
Hello, love.
I want two dozen fruit cakes
And half a dozen macaroons.
Oh, sorry, love, no macaroons.
How about a nice vanilla sponge?
Yes, that'd be lovely.
Righto.
Ooh, there's that nice herring trawler
Come for their kup kakes-- excuse me.
Righto.
Hello! captain smith!
Hello!
Kup kakes to starboard!
Coming!
Head out there!
If you want I'll get your things.
Oh, yes, throw 'em in.
I'll pay you
At the end of the week, then, all right?
Okay, righto.
All right.
Rule, britannia...
Ooh, it's the ark royal, doris!
Have you got their rock buns ready?
Hang on!
Here we are, five for them
And five for h.m.s. eagle.
Righto.
Yes?
H.m.s. defiant, two set teas, please.
Two set teas, doris.
That'll be 48 pence.
Here we are, thank you.
By the way, do you do lunches?
No, morning coffees and teas only.
Righto, dear.
Good evening, and welcome to another edition of storage jars.
On tonight's program
Mikos antoniarkis, the greek rebel leader
Who seized power in athens this morning
Tells us what he keeps in storage jars.
From strife-torn bolivia
Ronald rodgers reports on storage jars there.
And closer to home
The first dramatic pictures of the mass jailbreak
Near the storage jar factory in maidenhead.
All this and more in storage jars.
This is la paz, bolivia.
Behind me, you can hear the thud of mortar
And the high-pitched whine of rockets
As the battle for control of this volatile republic shakes
The foundations of this old city.
But whatever their political inclinations
These bolivians are all keen users of storage jars.
Here the largest size is used for rice and for mangos
A big local crop.
And unlike most revolutionary south american states
They've an intermediary size
In between the two-pound and five-pound jars.
This gives this poor-but-proud people
A useful jar for apricots, plums and stock cubes.
The smallest jar, this little two-ounce jar
For sweets, chocolates and even little shallots.
No longer used in the west
It remains here as an unspoken monument to the days
When la paz knew better times.
Ronald rodgers, storage jars, la paz.
In london, the prime minister met officials
From the department of the environment to discuss...
A cassette tape recorder is to replace
The salon quartets and trios
Which have played beside the potted palms of manchester...
...has caused a switch to taped music
Which will be relayed over a new public address system
Replacing one which relayed both music and the...
Stock market prices hit record levels
On the last day of the year.
The financial times index rose 3.7 points to 476.5...
...but the bbc has reported
That radio free solent, a pirate station
Was marking the first birthday of the...
Henry! turn that television off!
You know it's bad for your eyes!
Ah, that's better.
Henry, will you stop sitting around?
Yes, dear.
There's an entire tv studio
Waiting around for you to do the next link!
And when you've got that done
I've gone some more work for you!
Yes, dear.
Henry, do you hear me?
Henry!
Henry, get a move on!
Now, you sod!
That's better.
Hut-two, hut-two, hut-two, hut-two, hut-two!
Hello, I'm the good fairy from program control
Where we're all grateful for your work on this link
So much so that I'm here to release you
From the evil spell you've been under.
Huh?
Hmm, well, it doesn't always work the first time.
Thank you, thank you.
No, no need to.
You see, it's all in a day's work for program control.
Hello, the show so far...
Well, it all started with the organist losing his clothes
As he sat down at the organ
And after this had happened, uh
And we had seen the titles of the show, we...
We saw biggles dictating a letter to his secretary
Who thought he was spanish
And whom he referred to as a "harlot"
And a "woman of the night"
Although she preferred to be called a "courtesan."
Uh, then we saw some people
Trying to climb a road in uxbridge
And then there were some cartoons and...
And then some lifeboat men came into a woman's sitting room
And, uh, after a bit
The woman went out to buy some, uh, cakes on a lifeboat.
And then, uh, a n... a naval officer jumped into the sea.
Uh, then we saw a man telling us about storage jars from bolivia
And then there were some more cartoons.
And then a... a man told us
About what happened on the show so far
And a great hammer came and hit him on the head.
I don't remember that.
Lemon curry?
Good morning, sir.
Good morning.
Um... I was sitting
In the public library in thurmond street just now
Skimming through rogue herries by horace walpole
When i, um, suddenly came over all peckish.
Peckish, sir?
Esurient.
Eh?
Eee, I were all hungry, like.
Oh, hungry.
In a nutshell.
So I thought to myself
A little fermented curd would do the trick
So I curtailed my walpolling activities, sallied forth
And infiltrated your place of purveyance
To negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles.
Come again?
I want to buy some cheese!
Ah... I thought you were complaining about the music.
Oh, heaven forbid. I am one who delights
In all manifestations of the terpsichorean muse.
Sorry.
I like a nice dance--
You're forced to.
Anyway.
Who said that?
Now, my good man, some cheese, please.
Yes, certainly, sir. what would you like?
Well, uh, how about a little red leicester?
I'm afraid we're fresh out of red leicester, sir.
Never mind. how are you on tilsit?
Never at the end of the week, sir.
Always get it fresh first thing on monday.
Tish, tish.
No matter, um...
Well, four ounces of caerphilly, then, if you please
Stout yeoman.
Ah, well, it's been on order for two weeks, sir.
I was expecting it this morning.
Yes, it's not my day, is it?
Uh, bel paese?
Sorry.
Red windsor?
Uh, normally, sir, yes...
But today the van broke down.
Ah... uh, stilton?
Sorry.
Gruyere, emmental?
No.
Any norwegian jarlsberger?
No.
Liptauer?
No.
Lancashire?
No.
White stilton?
No.
Danish blue?
No.
Double gloucester?
No.
Cheshire?
No.
Any dorset blue vinney?
No.
Brie, roquefort
Pont-l'eveque, port salut, savoyard
Saint-paulin, carre-de-l'est
Boursin, bresse-bleue, perle de champagne
Camembert?
Ah! we do have some camembert.
You do. excellent.
It's a bit runny, sir.
Oh, i... I like it runny.
Well, as a matter of fact, it's... it's very runny, sir.
No matter, no matter
Hand over le fromage de la belle france
Qui s'appelle camembert
S'il vous plait.
I think it's runnier than you like it, sir.
I don't care
How excrementally runny it is;
Hand it over with all speed.
Yes, sir. oh...
What?
The cat's eaten it.
Has he?
She, sir.
Gouda?
No.
Edam?
No.
Caithness?
No.
Smoked austrian?
No.
Sage derby?
No, sir.
You do have some cheese, do you?
Certainly, sir-- it's a cheese shop, sir.
We've got...
No, no, no, don't tell me.
I'm keen to guess.
Fair enough.
Wensleydale?
Yes, sir.
Splendid.
Well, I'll have some of that then, please.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir
I thought you were referring to me-- mr. wensleydale.
Gorgonzola?
No.
Parmesan?
No.
Mozzarella?
No.
Pippo creme?
No.
Any danish fimboe?
No.
Czechoslovakian sheep's milk cheese?
No.
Venezuelan beaver cheese?
Not today, sir, no.
Well, let's keep it simple.
How about cheddar?
Well, I'm afraid we don't get much call for it
Around these parts, sir.
Much call?! it's the most popular cheese in the world!
Not round these parts, sir.
And pray, what is the most popular cheese
Round these parts?
Ilchester, sir.
I see.
Yes, sir, it's quite staggeringly popular
In the manor, squire.
Is it?
Our number-one seller.
Is it?
Yes, sir.
Ilchester, eh?
Right.
Okay, I'm game.
"have you got any?" he asked
Expecting the answer "no."
I'll have a look, sir.
N...
No.
It's not much of a cheese shop, really, is it?
Finest in the district, sir.
And what leads you to that conclusion?
Well, it's so clean.
Well, it's certainly uncontaminated by cheese.
You haven't asked me about limburger, sir.
Is it worth it?
Could be.
Okay, have you...
Will you shut that bloody dancing up?!
I told you so.
Have you got any limburger?
No.
No-- that figures.
It was pretty predictable, really.
It was an act of pure optimism
To have posed the question in the first place.
Tell me something
Do you have any cheese at all?
Yes, sir.
Now, I'm going to ask you that question once more
And if you say "no"
I am going to shoot you through the head.
Now, do you have any cheese at all?
No.
What a senseless waste of human life.
Hugh walpole's rogue cheddar--
One of the first of the cheese westerns--
To be later followed by gunfight at gruyere corral
Ilchester '73
And the cheese who shot liberty valance.
While I'm on the subject of westerns
I want to take a closer look
At one of my favorite film directors--
Sam peckinpah, the expatriate from fresno, california.
In his earliest films, major dundee
The wild bunch and straw dogs
He showed his predilection for the utterly truthful
And very sexually arousing portrayal of violence
In its starkest form.
In his latest film
Peckinpah has moved into the calmer and more lyrical waters
Of julian slade's salad days.
Hello, everybody.
Hello, lionel.
I say, what a simply super day.
Gosh, yes.
It's so... you know, sunny.
Yes, isn't it?
I say, anyone for tennis?
Oh, super!
What fun!
I say, lionel, catch.
Oh, crikey!
Pretty strong meat there from...
Sam peckinpah.
The bbc would like to deny the last apology.
It is very happy at home
And bbc 2 is bound to go through this phase.
So from all of us here, good night, sleep well
And have an absolutely super day tomorrow.
Kiss, kiss.
We've just heard
That an explosion in the kitchens of the house of lords
Has resulted in the breakage of 17 storage jars.
Police have ruled out foul play.
Lemon curry?
Um, I'm sorry about the, uh... the, uh... pause
Only I'm afraid the show is a couple of minutes short
This week.
You know, sometimes the show's aren't really quite as, uh...
As long as they ought to be.
Beautiful, isn't it?
Um, look, there's not really a... a great deal of point
In your sort of hanging on at your end
Because I'm afraid there aren't any more jokes or anything.
August 18-- fell off near bovey tracey.
The pump caught in my trouser leg.
My pump caught in my trouser leg
And my sandwiches were badly crushed.
35p, please.
These sandwiches, however
Were an excellent substitute.
Give us ten woods, barney.
Hello.
It's funny, isn't it
How one can go through life--
As I have-- disliking bananas
And being indifferent to cheese
But still be able to eat and enjoy
A banana-and-cheese sandwich like this.
35p.
Ah!
Oh, I have only a 50.
Do you have change?
Well, I'll have to look, but I may have to go to the bank.
I'm most awfully sorry.
15p.
Oh, what a stroke of luck.
Well, all the very best...
And thank you again
For the excellent banana- and-cheese delicacy.
August 23-- fell off near budleigh salterton.
...and the pump got caught in my trouser leg...
And that's how they were damaged.
The eggs-- you remember
The hard-boiled eggs I was telling you about.
They were in a tupperware container--
Reputedly self-sealing
Which fell open upon contact
With the tar-macadam surface of the road...
The b-489, the dawlish road.
That shouldn't happen to a self-sealing container
Now, should it?
What do you keep your hard-boiled eggs in?
I think in future
I will lash them to the handlebars with adhesive tape!
This should obviate a recurrence of the same problem!
Well, I can't stand around here chatting all day!
I'm on a cycling tour of north cornwall!
Must be off!
August 26-- fell off near ottery st. mary.
The pump caught in my trouser leg.
Decide to wear short trousers from now on.
Fell off near tiverton.
Perhaps a shorter pump is the answer.
Excuse me, madam.
I wonder if you could tell me
Of a good bicycle shop in this village
Where I could either find
A means of adapting my present pump
Or, failing that, of purchasing a replacement.
There's only one shop here.
What a stroke of luck.
Now perhaps cycling will become less precarious.
Yes?
Uh... a mr. pither to see you, doctor.
His bicycle pump got caught in his sock.
Oh, thank you, nurse, show him in, please.
This way, please.
Good morning.
And a very good morning to you, too, doctor.
I understand you had an accident.
That's right, my pump got...
Caught in your sock.
Absolutely, yes.
And my fruit cake was damaged on one side.
It's got grit all over it.
Are you in pain?
Oh, heavens, no.
Ah, well, where are you hurt?
Oh, fortunately, i escaped without injury.
Well, what is the trouble?
Please, could you tell me the way to iddesleigh?
I'm a doctor, you know.
Oh, yes, absolutely.
Normally, I would have asked
A policeman or a minister of the church
But finding no one available, I thought it better
To consult a professional man
Rather than rely
On the possibly confused testimony of a passerby.
Oh, all right.
Take this to a chemist.
Thank you.
September 2...
Did not fall off outside iddesleigh.
Fell off in tavistock.
My foot caught in my trouser leg and that's how the bottle broke.
Tell her today-- you could ring her.
I can't, I can't.
I said you'd never guess.
16 years we've been together.
I can't just ring her up.
Well, if you can't do it now, you never will.
Do you like tizer?
What?
Do you want me or not, james?
It's your decision.
I suppose it is still available in this area, is it?
Do you want me or not, james?
What?
A tizer!
Yes or no?
Is it still available in this area?
I don't know.
I see-- in that case
It's good-bye forever, james.
No!
I mean yes!
Oh, it is, is it?
No!
Oh!
You never could make up your mind.
I can.
Good-bye, james.
I have.
No, wait, lucille!
Does your lovely little daughter like tizer, eh?
Lucille!
Wouldn't mind buying her a bottle of tizer...
If it's still available in this area.
Would you like me to show you the door?
Oh, that's extremely kind of you
But I saw it on the way in.
You stupid, interfering little rat!
I'm kind of confused.
I had just fallen off my bicycle--
This is most kind of you--
And my lemon curd tartlet had...
Damn your lemon curd tart!
Just had a chat with your dad.
My rubber instep caught
On the rear mudguard stanchion and...
Really? and what happened to the corned beef rolls?
The corned beef rolls were crushed out of all...
Here, how did you know about my corned beef rolls?
I noticed them-- or what remained of them-- in the road.
I noticed also that the lemon curd tart
Had sustained some superficial damage.
That's right, the curd had become...
Detached from the pastry base.
Absolutely right, yes.
Otherwise, the contents of the sandwich box
Were relatively unharmed
Although I detected small particles of bitumen
In the chocolate cupcakes.
But they were wrapped in foil.
Not the hard chocolate top, I'm afraid.
Oh, that's the bit I like.
The sausage roll, the crisps
And the ginger biscuit were unscathed.
How do you know so much about cycling?
Well, I'm making a special study
Of accidents involving food.
Yes-- do you know, in our laboratories
We have developed a cheese sandwich that can withstand
An impact of up to 4,000 pounds per square inch?
Good heavens!
Amazing, isn't it?
We've also developed a tomato
Which can eject itself when an accident is imminent.
Even when it's in an egg and tomato roll?
Anywhere, even if it's in your stomach.
If it senses an accident
It will come up your throat
And out of the window.
Do you know what this means?
Safer food!
Exactly.
No longer will food be squashed, crushed and damaged
By the ignorance and stupidity of the driver.
Whole picnics will be built
To withstand the most enormous forces!
Snacks will be safer than ever!
A simple pot of salad dressing
Treated in our laboratories
Has been subjected to the impact
Of a 4,000-pound steam hammer every day
For the last 16 years, and has it broken?
Well... uh...
Yes, of course it has.
But there are other ideas--
Safety straps for sardines, for example.
Here, that tomato has just ejected itself!
Really?
It works! it works!
What a strange turn this cycling tour has taken.
Mr. gulliver appears to have lost his memory
And far from being interested in safer food
Is now convinced
That he is clodagh rogers, the young girl singer.
I am taking him for medical attention.
Is this the casualty department?
Yes, that's right.
And what can I do for you?
I am at present
On a cycling tour of the north cornwall area
Taking in bude and...
Yes, could I have your name, please?
Ah, my name is pither.
What?
P-i-t-h-e-r...
As in "brotherhood"
Except with p-i instead of the b-r-o and no "hood."
Yes, I see.
I have just visited taunton...
Shh!
I was cycling north towards...
Yes, where were you injured?
Just where the a-237 ilfracombe road meets the...
On your body.
Ah, no, it's not I who was injured, it's my friend.
Name?
Pither.
No, no, no, no, your friend's name.
Oh, clodagh rogers.
Clodagh rogers?!
Well, only since about 4:30...
Yes, I think you'd better talk to dr. wu.
Doctor!
What?
Damn!
I am on a cycling tour
Of north cornwall, taking in...
He thinks he's had an accident.
I have a friend who, as a result of his injuries
Thinks he is clodagh rogers.
He what?
Well, what happened was...
September 4...
Well, I never.
We are now in the alpes maritimes region
Of southern france.
Clodagh seems more intent on reaching moscow
Than on rehearsing her new bbc 2 series
With buddy rich and the younger generation.
Oh, hello.
We cannot stay here.
We must leave immediately.
There is a ship in marseilles.
I did enjoy your song for europe, clodagh.
I have seen an agent in the town.
My life is in danger!
Danger, clodagh?
Stalin has always hated me!
No one hates you, clodagh.
I will not let myself fall into the hands of these scum!
I think you should go and have a little lie down, my dear.
There's a busy day tomorrow
Of concerts and promotional tours.
I?! who was one of the founders
Of the greatest nation on earth?!
I?! whom lenin has called his greatest friend?!
Taisez-vous, taisez-vous!
Oh, dear.
I?! who have worked all my life
That my people should live?!
Qu'est-ce que le bruit?
C'est impossible!
Oh, my name is pither.
Oh, you are english?
Uh, yes, that's right.
I'm on a cycling tour of north cornwall...
I will not be defeated!
I will return to my country
To fight against this new tyranny!
This is clodagh rogers, the irish-born girl singer.
O, mais oui, c'est clodagh rogers--
"jack in the box"!
I'm just a jack in the box, I know whenever love knocks
I'm gonna bounce up and down on my spring
Boom-boom-boom!
Genevieve!
Paul!
C'est clodagh rogers
La fameuse chanteuse anglaise.
I will never surrender!
I will never...
Excusez-moi, madame clodagh.
Ecrivez-vous votre nom
Dans mon livre des hommes celebres, s'il vous plait.
La, au-dessous de le denis compton.
Maman! ce n'est pas la belle clodagh.
Quoi?
C'est trotsky, le revolutionnaire!
Trotsky?!
Mais il ne chante pas.
Il chante un peu.
Mais pas professionnellement.
Tu penses de lenin.
Ah! lenin, eh? quel chanteur!
If I ruled the world...
Every day would be the first day of spring...
Lenin! my friend!
I come!
Excuse her...
She's not been very well recently--
Pressure of work, laryngitis, you know...
Et aussi monsieur kerensky
Avec le little white bull, hein?
O, formidable!
Lenin!
Clodagh...
Lenin!
I come!
Lenin...
My friend...
I come!
Lenin!
Clodagh!
Lenin!
Je t'aime.
Maurice, regardez!
C'est la chanteuse anglaise, clodagh rogers.
Ah, mais oui-- jack in the box...
I'm going to bounce up and down on my spring...
After several days
I succeeded in tracking down my friend mr. gulliver
On the outskirts of smolensk.
Smolensk, 200 miles east of minsk...
200 miles north of kursk...
1,500 miles west of omsk.
Thank you.
Anyway, as we were so far from home and as mr. gulliver--
Still believing himself to be trotsky--
Was very tired from haranguing the masses
All the way from monte carlo...
Monte carlo, 100 miles south of turin
100 miles east of pisa, 500 miles west of bilbao.
Thank you.
I decided to check...
Oh, sorry, you go on.
I decided to check him into a hotel
While I visited the british embassy
To ask for help in returning to cornwall.
And so we registered
At the smolensk young men's anti-christian association.
Y.m.a.c.a.--
Corner of anti-semitic street and pogrom square.
Go away.
No, not you.
A single room for my friend, please.
Yes, sir. bugged or unbugged?
I think I'd be happier with a bugged one.
Right, one bugged with bath.
Well, just have a nice lie down
And I'll go down to the embassy.
Trotsky?
My lack of god, it's trotsky!
Comrades, socialism is not a...
Oh, uh, excuse me.
Is this the british consulate?
Yes, yes, uh, si, si.
That is correctement.
Ah, yes.
Piccadilly circus, miniskirt and joe lyons.
Oh, I'd like to see the consul, please.
Yes, yes, speakee, speakee.
Me blitish consul.
Oh!
You are rear admiral sir dudley compton?
No. he die.
He have heart attack
And fell out of window onto exploding bomb
And was killed in a shooting accident.
Ah, yes. I his... how you say, uh...
Succ... succa... succ... sussor.
Oh, successor.
I'm his successor, mr. atkinson.
Oh.
Would you like drinkee?
Or game bingo?
Oh... a drink would be very nice, yes.
Oh, mr. livingstone, go and get sake.
Yes, boss.
Oh...
How is tonblidge wells?
How I long to see again
Walls of famous shakespeare-style theater
In stlatford-on-avon.
Oh, well, I'm a west country man myself, mr. atkinson.
Oh, texas, arizona, kit carson super scout.
No, no. west of england-- cornwall.
Oh, coron... worll.
Corn... cornwall.
Coronworl, oh, yes.
Know coronworl very well.
Went to school there.
Mother and father live there, ah, yes.
Go many weekend parties
And polo playing in blidge club.
Belong many clubs in coronworl.
Ah, mr. livingstone, thank you.
Sake and bakewells tart.
Well, chaps...
Buttocks up!
Rather!
Now, mister...
Uh, pither.
Ah, mr. pither.
We blitish here in smolensk very interested in clicket.
Oh, cricket?
No, no. you no speak english velly wells.
No, not clicket.
Clicket.
Clicketty click clicketty.
Housey, housey, oh, bingo!
Oh! bingo!
Oh, bingo!
Bingo!
bingo!
Bingo! bingo! bingo!
Bingo! bingo! oh, bingo!
Bingo! bingo! bingo!
Oh, bingo! bingo! bingo!
Bingo! bingo! bingo!
Hsai!
Bingo!
Sorry.
Our boys got velly excited.
Bingo.
Oh, shut face!
Now, mr. pither
Perhaps you could put in a good word for us
So we can join a velly smart bingo club in coronworl.
Well, it's not really my line...
We sit velly quiet at back
Not say anything except shout
"housey! housey!"
Housey! housey!
Housey! housey! housey!
Housey! housey! housey! housey!
Oh, bingo!
Housey! housey! housey!
Housey! housey! housey! housey!
Hi skwwati niyhi, keo t'sin feh t'sdung
Nihi watai bingo cards!
Nihi watai...
Bingo cards.
Nihi watai bingo cards?
Nihi watai.
Ah, so.
Now, mr. pither
Tell me which better--
Hackney star bingo
Or st. albans top-rank suite.
Well, I was hoping that you could help
Me and my friend to get back to england.
Hackney star bingo.
You see, we're on a cycling tour...
Bingo! bingo! housey, housey!
Bingo! bingo! bingo!
Bingo! bingo!
Bingo, bingo...
Is mr. trotsky in his room, please?
No. he has gone to moscow.
Moscow-- 1,500 miles south of...
Shut up!
Moscow?
Come with us, please.
Oh, who are you?
Well, we're not secret police, anyway.
That's for sure.
If anything, we are ordinary soviet citizens
With no particular interest in politics.
None at all. come with us.
Oh, where are you taking me?
What do we tell him?
Don't tell him any secrets.
Agreed.
Tell him anything
Except we are taking him to moscow
Where trotsky is reunited
With the central committee.
We are taking you to a clambake.
Oh, a clambake!
I've never been to one of those.
Right, let's go.
Who's giving the orders around here?
I am-- I'm senior to you.
No, you're not.
You're a greengrocer.
I'm an insurance salesman.
Greengrocers are senior to insurance salesmen.
No, they're not!
Cool it-- I'm an ice-cream salesman
And I am senior to both of you.
You're an ice-cream salesman?
I thought you were a veterinarian.
I got promoted.
Let's go.
Taxi!
Yes.
Drive us to moscow.
I have no cab.
Why not?
I'm in the secret police.
Vse narodniy prednovich tovarich trotsky...
Shi muska di scensand dravenka...
And now, comrades, the greatest moment of a great day
When I ask you to welcome
The return of one of russia's greatest heroes
Creator of the red army, lenin's greatest friend
Lev davidovich trotsky!
Comrades, bolsheviks, friends of the revolution
I am returned.
The bloodstained shadow of stalinist repression is past.
I bring you the new light of permanent revolution.
I may once have been ousted from power
I may have been expelled
From the party in 1927
I may have been deported in 1926, but...
I'm just an old-fashioned girl with an old-fashioned mind.
Comrades, I don't want to destroy in order to build
I don't want a state founded on hate and division.
I want an old-fashioned house with an old-fashioned fence
And an old-fashioned millionaire...
My friend mr. gulliver was clearly undergoing
Another change of personality.
So! you have duped us.
You shall pay for this.
Guards, seize him!
Shall I seize him, too?
No, I think we'll have to keep him.
He's going down well.
He's more fun than he used to be.
He's loosened up a lot.
This is an old lenin number.
Labored hers and hers...
April 26-- thrown into russian cell.
Severely damaged my mars bar.
Shall I ever see bude bus station again?
Oh, excuse me.
What a pleasant exercise yard.
How friendly they were all being.
Cigarette?
Oh, no, thank you.
I don't smoke.
After a few moments
I perceived a line of gentlemen with rifles.
They were looking in my direction.
I looked around but could not see the target.
Blindfold?
No, thank you, no.
Slowotny!
Grydenka...
Verschnitzen...
Nyet! nyet!
Nyet!
A telegram?
From the kremlin!
The central committee!
It says...
"carry on with the execution"
Verschnitzen...!
Now I was really for it.
How could you miss?
He moved.
Shut up!
Go and practice.
I'm so sorry.
Would you mind waiting in your cell?
What a stroke of luck..
My crunchie was totally intact.
I settled down to a quick inter-meal snack.
Next time...
Definitely!
Now, how many have been injured?
Oh, god!
As I lay down to the sound
Of the russian gentlemen practicing their shooting
I realized I was in a bit of a pickle.
My heart sank as I realized
I should never see the okehampton bypass again.
Come on, dear.
Wake up, dear.
Mother!
Come on, dear.
So... it was all a dream.
No, dear, this is the dream.
You're still in the cell.
Okay, we're going to have another try.
I think we've got it now.
My boys have been looking
Down the wrong bit, you see.
Oh, no, no.
You've got to look down that bit there.
I thought you had to look down that bit.
Oh, no, you've got to look down that bit
Or you won't hit anything.
All right, we'll give it a whirl.
Guards, seize him!
Listen, you've got to look down this bit.
Osledi, osledi, osledi...
And now...
...with pee-pee.
Kon'nichi wa.
Eartha kitt!
Trade union leaders
I would say this: we've done our part.
Now, on behalf of the community we have a right to expect you...
The trade union leaders, to do yours.
Nyet eartha kitt!
Edward heath.
...in unjustifiable ways.
Sing "old-fashioned girl"!
"old-fashioned girl"!
Sing "old-fashioned girl"!
"old-fashioned girl"!
That turnip's certainly not safe.
"old-fashioned girl"! "old-fashioned girl"!
Oh, no! mr. pither!
Mr. pither!
Pither!
Mr. pither!
Pither!
Mr. pither!
Mr. pither! mr. pither!
Mr. pither!
Here!
Gulliver!
Pither!
What a stroke of luck.
Well, yes and no.
Charge!
Phew! what an amazing escape.
Well, good-bye, reginald.
Good-bye, mr. pither.
And good luck with the tour!
Huh!
Hey, i... I think he's finally gone!
Ooh, yeah.
Ready, maurice?
Right-o, kevin, let's go.
All right, maestro, hit it!
I'm just your jack in the box
I know whenever love knocks
I'm gonna bounce up and down on my spring
Until you stop when it stops
I'm just your jack in the box...
This is captain macpherson
Welcoming you aboard east scottish airways.
You'll have had your tea.
Our destination is glasgow.
There is no need to panic.
There's a bomb onboard this plane
And I'll tell you where it is
For a thousand pounds.
I don't believe you.
If you don't tell me where the bomb is...
If I don't give you the money...
Unless you give me the bomb...
The money.
The money-- thank you, pretty lady--
The bomb will explode, killing everybody.
Including you.
I'll tell you where it is for a pound.
All right, here's a pound.
I don't want scottish money.
They've got the numbers.
It can be traced.
One english pound.
Now, where's the bomb?
I can't remember.
You've forgotten?
Aye, you'd better have your pound back.
Oh... fingerprints.
Now, where's the bomb?
Wait a tick, wait a tick.
My first is in glasgow, but not in spain.
My second is in steamer, but not in train.
My whole is in the luggage compartment on the plane.
I'll tell you where the bomb is for a pound.
It's in the luggage compartment.
Right, here's your pound.
Is this character giving you any trouble?
He's just ruined this sketch.
Yes, absolutely.
Let's go on to the next one.
Wait a tick, wait a tick.
I won't ruin your sketch for a pound.
No, no.
75p.
Next item.
Well, I see my role in it as...
Oh, how can I put it... the nude man
As sort of symbolizing the two separate strands of existence
The essential nudity of man...
Oh, um...
It's a very interesting question.
Personally, I rather adhere
To the bergsonian idea of laughter
As a social sanction
Against inflexible behavior, but...
Excuse me.
And now...
It's...
Monty python's flying circuses.
Well, we'll be continuing
With monty python's flying circus
In just a moment.
Yes, yes, we're going back to the show
In just one moment from...
Now.
This new housing development in bristol is
One of the most interesting in the country.
It's using a variety of new techniques--
Shockproof curtain walling
A central high-voltage, self- generating electricity source
And extruded acrylic fiberglass fitments.
It's also the first major housing project in britain
To be built entirely
By characters by 19th-century english literature.
Here, little nell from dickens' old curiosity shop
Fits new nylon siphons into the asbestos-lined ceiling.
But it's the electrical system
Which has attracted the most attention.
Arthur huntington, who helen graham married as a young girl
And whose shameless conduct
Eventually drove her back to her brother, lawrence
In anne bronte's the tenant of wildfell hall
Describes why it's unique.
Because, sir, it is self-generating.
Because we have harnessed here, in this box
The very forces of life itself
The very forces that will send helen running back
To beg forgiveness.
The on-site building techniques involve the construction
Of 12-foot walling blocks
By a crowd of farmhands from tess of the d'urbervilles
Supervised by the genial landlady, mrs. jupp
From samuel butler's way of all flesh.
In contrast to the site in bristol is progress here
On britain's first 18-level motorway interchange
Being built by characters from milton's paradise lost.
What went wrong here?
Well, nobody really got on.
Satan didn't get on with eve...
Uh... archangel gabriel didn't get on with satan.
Nobody got on with the serpent.
So now they have to work a rota--
Forces of good from 10:00 till 3:00
Forces of evil, 3:00 till 6:00.
But even more modern building techniques are being used
On an expanding new town site near peterborough.
Here, the amazing mystico and janet
Can put up a block of flats by hypnosis in under a minute.
The local council here have
Over 50 hypnosis-induced 25-story blocks
Put up by el mystico and janet.
I asked mr. ken verybigliar the advantages of hypnosis
Compared to other building methods.
Oh, there is a considerable financial advantage
In using the services of el mystico.
A block, like mystico point here
Would normally cost in the region of (funt)1.5 million.
But this was put up for five pounds
And 30 bob for janet.
But the obvious question is, are they safe?
Of course they're safe.
There's absolutely no doubt about that.
They're as strong, solid and as safe
As any other building method in this country
Provided, of course, people believe in them.
Yes, we received a note from the council
Saying that if we ceased to believe in this building
It would fall down.
You don't mind living
In a figment of another man's imagination?
No, it's much better than where we used to live.
Where did you used to live?
We had an 18-room villa overlooking nice.
Really? that sounds much better.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
Oh, no, no, no!
Of course not.
Phew! that was close.
But the construction of these vast new housing developments
Providing homes for many thousands of people
Is not the only project to which he has applied his many talents.
He also has an infallible pools method
A school of spanish dancing and a car hire service.
What's the driving force
Behind a man of such restless energies and boundless vision?
Here, as with so many great men of history
The answer lies in a woman.
As antony has his cleopatra...
As napoleon has his josephine...
So mystico has his janet.
Yes, janet, a quiet, shy girl
An honors graduate from harvard university
American junior sprint record holder
Ex-world skating champion, nobel prize winner
Architect, novelist and surgeon.
The girl who helped crack the oppenheimer spy ring in 1947
She gave vital evidence
To the senate narcotics commission in 1958.
She also helped to convict the woman at the chemist's in 1961
And a year later, she gave police information
Which led to the arrest of her postman.
In october of that same year
She secured the conviction of her gardener for bigamy
And three months later
Personally led the police swoop on the couple next door.
In 1967, she became suspicious of the man at the garage
And it was her dogged perseverance
And relentless inquiries
That, two years later, finally secured his conviction
For not having a license for his car radio.
He was hanged at leeds a year later
Despite the abolition of capital punishment
And the public outcry.
Also in leeds that year, a local butcher was hanged
For defaulting on mortgage repayments
And a mr. jarvis was electrocuted
For shouting in the corridor.
We admit there have been outbreaks of hanging recently
But the police are trying
To keep the situation under control.
You must remember the courts are very busy at the moment
And the odd death sentence is bound to slip through.
Electrocutions are another big worry
But we hope that guillotining has been eradicated
From the urban areas
And garroting is confined almost entirely to luton.
So if you have a friend in prison
Or under sentence of death
Be sure to let us know at this address.
...and premier chou en-lai
who called it "a major breakthrough."
Twelve men were accidentally hanged
at whitby assizes this afternoon
whilst considering their verdict.
This is one of the worst miscarriages of justice
in britain since tuesday.
Well, it's 13 minutes to the hour of nine, nine, nine
here on wonderful radio one-one-one
so if you're still lying in your big, big bed
now's the time to get up out of it.
We've got another 13 hours of tiptop sounds
here on wonderful radio one.
Oh, sorry about that.
So unless you have brain cells
or have completed the process of evolution
there's a wonderful day ah...
Must be on radio four.
Radio two...
Radio three...
Radio four.
It's 9:00 and time for mortuary hour--
an hour of talks, tunes and downright tomfoolery
for all those who work in mortuaries
introduced as usual by shirley bassey.
Well, we're going to kick straight off this week
with our mortuary quiz, so have your pens and pencils ready.
Turn that radio off and look lively.
It's mortuary hour, mr. wang.
Don't argue, battersby.
This is our mortuary in here, your grace.
I say, I say, i, uh...
I, uh...
I, uh... i, uh...
I, i, i, uh... i, uh...
I, uh...
I... i... i...
I can't think of anything to say about it.
Well, we're very proud of it here, sir.
It's one of the most up-to-date in the country.
I see, yes, yes, yes.
Now, um... what are...
Oh, uh...
What are... uh...
What are... what...
What are... what is it?
Is it a power station?
No, your grace, it's a mortuary.
I see, I see, good, good, good, good.
Well, it has
One of the most advanced thermostat control systems
In the country
And it has computer control storage facilities.
I see, I see.
I, um...
I, uh...
Oh, i...
I, uh...
I, uh... i...
I'm a good little doggie.
I'm sorry, your grace?
I'm a good little dog.
Oh, dear.
Perhaps we should postpone the visit.
Oh, no, no, no.
You see, it's just that his brain is so tiny
The slightest movement can dislodge it.
Your grace?
Oh, dear, it's rather
Like one of those games you play
Where you have to get the ball into the hole...
Ah!
Excellent, excellent, excellent, excellent.
Now then, uh... uh...
What happens when the steel is poured into the ingots?
Perhaps we should go and have a look at the new showers.
Yes, yes, yes, rather.
Yes, yes, yes, jolly good.
Jolly good, jolly good.
Jolly good, no fear.
Well, the answers were as follows:
number one, the left hand;
two, no; three, normal; four, yes, it has, in 1963
when a bird got caught in the mechanism.
Turn that thing off.
It's "mortuary dance time," mr. wang.
Never mind that, battersby.
This is the big one.
I've just had whitby police on the phone with 12 hangees.
Oh, yeah, we just heard about that on the radios.
No, these are 12 different ones, so shtoom.
I'll not interrupt this sketch for a pound.
What?
For one pound
I'll leave the sketch totally uninterrupted.
50p?
I'm prepared to negotiate a 40p deal.
For 35p, I won't interrupt any of the next three items.
No, it's no good.
25p?
No.
10p and a kiss.
You see, it's very simple--
I just take these cutout figures
And by putting them together...
What?
Oh, you mean we're on.
Sorry.
Hmm?
Wait, nigel.
I've got this strange feeling we're being watched.
Oh, my god, rose, it's the police.
Run for it!
Oh, lunch break.
Gott in himmel!
It's coming!
Meanwhile, 55 years later back in london...
Hello, good afternoon
And welcome to the second leg of the olympic final
Of the men's hide-and-seek
Here in the heart of britain's london.
We'll be starting in just a couple of moments from now
And there you can see the two competitors--
Francisco huron, the paraguayan
Who, in this leg, is the seeker
And there's the man he'll be looking for
Our own don roberts from hinckley in leicestershire
Who, his trainer tells me
Is at the height of his self-secreting form.
Now, in the first leg, which ended on wednesday
Don succeeded in finding the paraguayan
In the new world record time
Of 11 years, two months, 26 days
Nine hours, three minutes, 27.4 seconds
In a sweet shop in kilmarnock.
And now they're under starter's orders.
On your marks...
Get set...
Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, quince
Seis, siete, ocho, nueve, diez...
Once, doce, trece, catorce, quince
Diez y seis, diez y siete, diez...
Veintidos, veintitres, veinticuatro, veinticinco...
...treinta y seis, treinta y siete, treinta y ocho
Treinta y nueve...
Well, don's off to a really great start there.
Remember, the paraguayan has got
11 years, two months, 26 days, nine hours
Three minutes, 27.4 seconds to beat.
... y ocho, novecientos noventa y nueve...
Mil.
Coming!
Well, we'll be taking you back there
As soon as there are any developments.
We've just heard that something is happening
In the hide-and-seek final, so let's go straight over there.
Hello again, and welcome to madagascar
Where francisco huron is seeking don roberts.
And I've just been told
That he's been unofficially described as "cold."
Ah, wait a minute.
I've just been told
That huron has requested a plane ticket to budapest
So he's definitely getting warmer.
So we'll be back again in just a few years.
Really beginning to hot up now.
Well, here we are
On the very last day of this fantastic final.
Huron now has less than 12 hours left
To find british ace don roberts.
Early this morning, he finished combing the outskirts of lisbon
And now he seems to have staked everything
On one final desperate seek here in the tagus valley.
But roberts is over 1,500 miles away
And it's beginning to look all over, bar the shouting.
The sands of time are running out for this delving dago
This senor of seek, this perspicacious paraguayan.
He's still desperately cold
And it's beginning to look like another gold for britain.
Prego! prego, signore!
There he is!
All right.
The official result of the world hide-and-seek.
Mr. don roberts, from hinckley, leicestershire:
11 years, two months, 26 days, nine hours
Three minutes, 27 seconds.
Mr. francisco huron, paraguay:
11 years, two months, 26 days, nine hours
Three minutes, 27 seconds.
The result-- a tie.
A tie-- what a fantastic result!
Well, the replay will start tomorrow at 7:30 a.m.
Well, hello again.
Nice to be back.
Glad to see the show's been going well.
Well, now, sorry about mon-trerx.
That was a little item entitled "hide-and-seek."
Very anarchic, very effective, not quite my cup of tea
But very nice for the younger people.
Well, the next item the boys have put together takes place
In a sitting room.
Sorry it's just a sitting room, but the bank account's a bit low
After the appallingly expensive production of clochmerle.
This is a totally free interruption
And no money has changed hands whatever.
Sorry about that, darling.
Gravy?
Yes, please, dear.
Oh, dear, that'll be
The cheap-laughs from next door.
Come in.
No! just breathing heavily!
Oh, we just dropped in.
Would you like to come through?
Oh, yes.
Well, good night and give us a kiss.
Oh, thank you very much for a very nice evening.
After you, dear.
Right-o!
Whoa!
Oh, honestly, dear, why do we always have to buy everything
Just because the cheap-laughs have one?
This is not an interruption at all.
It's just neighborliness, dear, that's all.
Well, I think we should try and lead our own lives from now on.
Ooh!
Can't you be serious for just one moment?
Darling, I'm sorry I was cross earlier.
Oh, that's all right, dear.
It's just that I get so sick
Of always having to be like the cheap-laughs.
Yes, well, from now on we'll be like ourselves.
Oh, roger!
Oh, beatrice!
Many people in this country are becoming increasingly worried
About bullfighting.
They say it's not only cruel, vicious and immoral
But also blatantly unfair.
The bull is heavy, violent, abusive and aggressive
With four legs and great sharp teeth
Whereas the bullfighter is only a small, greasy spaniard.
Given this basic inequality
What can be done to make bullfighting safer?
We asked brigadier arthur farquar-smith
Chairman of the british well-basically club.
Well, basically, it's quite apparent
That these minuscule dago chappies have got it all wrong.
They prance round the bull
Like a lot of bally nightclub dancers
Looking like the younger generation
Or a less smooth version of the lionel blair troupe
With much of the staccato rhythms
Of the irving davies dancers at the height of their success.
In recent years
Pan's people have often recaptured a lyricism...
And what we must do now
Is to use devices like radar to locate the bull
And sam missiles fired from underground silos
To knock the bull over.
Then I would send in scottish boys with air cover
To provide a diversion for the bull
Whilst the navy came in round the back and finished him off.
That to me would be bullfighting
And not this pansy kind of lyrical, evocative movement
Which george balanchine and martha graham in the states
And our very own sadler's wells...
Troops could be used in an auxiliary role
In international chess, where...
What?
I'll put the lights on again for a pound.
I'm sorry about this interruption
But we'll soon put things right
With just a simple little push of a button.
Oh, ow!
Help! oh, no!
Oh! oh, dear!
That's okay...
No, no, please.
Oh, oh-oh! wow!
Oh! no, no, no!
Oh, oh, dear!
Ow! oh!
"extra" holt mehr schmutz aus ihrer waesche.
Sehen sie selbst.
What?
I'm very sorry, but I don't know
Why I've been included in zis cartoon.
That's a bloody lie!
It's quite obvious what's going on here.
This whole thing is loaded with political significance.
I was right.
This is the planet algon
Fifth world in the system of aldebaran
The red giant in the constellation of sagittarius.
Here an ordinary cup of drinking chocolate costs funt4 million.
An immersion heater for the hot-water tank costs
Over funt6 billion
And a pair of split-crotch panties
Would be almost unobtainable.
A simple rear-window demisting device for an 1100
Costs funt8,000 million billion
And a new element for an electric kettle like this
Would cost as much as the entire gross national product
Of the united states of america from 1770 to the year 2000
And even then, they wouldn't be able to afford
The small fixing ring which attaches it to the kettle.
Well, our computers have been working all day
To try and analyze the dramatic information that's coming in
From this first ever intergalactic probe, algon i.
And we're just getting an interesting development now
Which is that attachments for rotary mowers--
That is, mowers that have a central circular blade--
Are relatively inexpensive!
Still in the region of nine to ten million pounds
But it does seem to indicate
That algon might be a very good planet
For those with larger gardens
Or perhaps even an orchard that's been left for two years
Needs some heavy work, some weeding.
But we're now getting some live pictures through from algon!
Harry, perhaps you could talk us through them.
Very little evidence of shopping facilities here.
There don't seem to be any large supermarkets.
There may be some on-the-corner grocery stores
Behind those rocks
But it's difficult to tell from this angle.
It does seem to suggest
That most of the shopping here is by direct mail.
Well, of course
The big question that everyone's asking here
Is what about those split-crotch panties?
Are they going to be unobtainable
Throughout the universe, or merely on algon itself?
Professor?
We must remember
That algon is over 75,000 miles wide.
The probe's come down in this area here
And we're really only getting signals
From a radius of 30 or 40 miles around the probe.
Split-crotch panties, or indeed any items
Of what we scientists call "sexy underwear" or "erotic lingerie"
May be much more plentiful on other parts of the planet.
Professor, you were responsible for finding
Scanty-panties and golden goddess high-lift bras
On planets which weren't thought able to sustain life.
And now that man has discovered a new galaxy
Do you think we're going to see
Underwear become even naughtier?
Oh, naughtier and naughtier.
Well, so much for that.
But, of course, the probe itself has excited
A great deal of interest
For it contains uranium-based dual transmission cells
Entirely recharged by solar radiation
Which can take off a bra and panties in less than 15 seconds.
It is, of course, the first piece of space hardware
To be specially designed to undress ladies
And so there are bound to be some teething troubles
Such as how to cope
With the combination of elastic-sided boots and tights.
But I think we're getting some pictures now from algon itself
And it looks as though... yes!
The satellite has found a bird!
The probe has struck crumpet, and she looks pretty good, too!
Professor?
Ja, she's a real honey!
Well, the pictures are a bit sporadic.
I think probably the solar radiation
During the long journey to algon...
Hoy! look!
Oh, dear, I'm sorry.
We've lost contact.
We'll try and reestablish contact with algon...
Hello, the bbc have offered me the sum of 40p
To read the credits of this show.
Personally, I thought they should have held out
For the full 75, but the bbc have explained to me
About their financial difficulties
And, uh, I decided to accept the reduced offer.
So, "the show was conceived, written and performed
"by the usual lot.
"also appearing were
"carol cleveland, marie anderson, mrs. idle;
"makeup, madelaine gaffney ;
"costumes, hazel pethig; animations by terry gilliam;
"visual effects designer, bernard wilkie;
"graphics, bob blagden;
"film cameraman, alan featherstone;
"film editor, ray millichope; sound, richard chubb;
"lighting, bill bailey ; designer, bob berk;
"produced by ian macnaughton
"for 92p and a bottle of bells whisky.
It was a bbc colour production."
Uh, I think that's just it.
I'd like to say if there are any bbc producers looking in
Who need people to read the credits for them
I would personally...